Unsure

I am sitting here on Sunday night watching the news. It has been a lonely weekend. Yes a lonely weekend. At first I was looking forward to the peace and quiet. My roommate and her dog are out of town for the weekend, and I didn't have anything to do. So I was looking forward to having the house to my self, and not having a yapping dog to listen to all weekend. But as the weekend went on, I started to think about things. I started to think about my last boyfriend, if I could even call him that. We dated for a couple of years, but we never really had a commitment. Or at least I should say he didn't have a commitment. He told everyone he could over and over again that he didn't want a girlfriend. He didn't have those feelings for me, he didn't think of me in that way. And yes sometimes he said it in front of me to these people, but when we weren't with them he would say other things. So I just figured it was him trying to talk big in front of his friends. And don't get me wrong he does have he good points. He isn't all in all a bad guy. I did love him when we first started dating. But thru everything that happened I stopped loving him. How do you keep loving someone who keeps hurting you over and over again. I don't understand how God can keep loving us, and forgiving us over and over again, when we keep hurting Him. I don't understand His love and grace. But at first I thought maybe God was trying to teach me how to love like He does, but after two years I couldn't do it anymore. Did I fail Him? I can't do it anymore. I realized this weekend I have never been loved. I have dated, don't get me wrong, but I haven't loved any of the guys, and they haven't loved me either. The words I love You never crossed any one's lips. I thought I loved Toby. No I did love Toby, but he never loved me. Shouldn't love be happiness, and wanting to spend time with someone, and wanting to have them be a part of your life? Shouldn't it be been happy to see them? At first it was that with Toby. We had so much fun at first, we would text, and make faces at each other, and there was passion, and fun. And then he flaked out. And I forgave him, and then it happened again, and I forgave him again. And some where along the way I stopped loving him, but I didn't realize it. He isn't the guy I dreamed of all my life. He isn't my prince charming. I want someone who loves me. Who is happier that I am in their lives. Someone who is proud to say I am their girlfriend. Someone who wants to talk to me ever day, just to hear my voice. If they don't see me for a day they miss me. Someone who likes me just the way I am. I don't want someone who wants me in their live when it's convient for them. or when they don't have anything else to do. Or when they want something. I feel like my time is running out. I am 31 years old, and I have no one. What is my purpose in this world. When I leave I will leave nothing behind for people to remember me by. No family line to carry on. I didn't want this. I want to have a family. I want kids. I want to be able to teach some one everything know (which isn't much, but still...) I want to teach someone how to love, and be kind. If I don't like my job I know how to change that. If I want a new car I can change that. If there is anything else I don't like I know how to change that. i don't know how to change not having a mate. I don't know how to make someone love me. I know I am a beautiful, and wonderful, and loving, kind, successful woman, but I can't make someone else see that. I can't make someone want that. I can't make someone else want me. I refuse to play the games all the other girls I know play. I refuse to be something I'm not. I refuse to be all oh I'm helpless, and can't live life on my own. I have done things on my own for 13 years (at least), and why can't guys except that. Why can't guys except a successful single girl who can make it own her own, but doesn't want to make it on her own. Just can I can do it doesn't mean I want to do it. I want someone who is there to share the successes, and the failures. The laughs and the tears. The memories good and bad. Why is that so hard to find? I want to be hopeful, and think that it is still out there, but the long I go the more I think it isn't. I don't think I will find it, and I'm not sure why I am meant to be alone. And if God means for me to be alone, why do I long for a husband so much. Why doesn't he take this longing away from me.