People

I am having a I really hate people day. I know I know you can't get away from them, but still I really hate people today. Almost all people. I will get over it I know, but here's the deal. Sometimes I just get so sick of the SHIT!!
Example 1) My manager not being able to own up to his dropping the ball, and having to blame it on me so he doesn't look like he can't do his job. Almost 2 months ago I gave him a marketing brochure I had been working on so he could fill in some of the things he wants our customers or prospective customers to know about us. I would make it sound pretty, but just the jist of what he wanted said. So today is a really rainy day, and he was "looking" for things to do so I asked him about it and it happened to be in front of the owner, and he said Well I know you were waiting for pictures, and I said "No rememeber I said I didn't know what you wanted our customer's to know so I need to come up with some ideas?" Why can't people just admit they screwed up. I would. I admit I make mistakes all the time. Why can't we just realize we aren't perfect, or there are somethings we really don't want to do?
Example 2) On my way to work this morning driving down the back road to get to work someone was driving 25 mph on a 45mph road, and wouldn't let me pass them, and kept slowing down at each turn like they were going to turn, but then ended up going straight at the end of the road into the apartment complex. And they wouldn't let me pass. I could understand this behavior if you don't know where you are going, or if I was tailgating. I have done this before, but then refusing to let someone pass you. Clearly you are just setting out to be a bitch, and ruin someone's day right away in the morning. Thank you so very much.
Example 3) My friends. Yes my friends. Here is the deal. I am always the one they call when something goes wrong. I am their shoulder to lean on. If they are having a hard time, I call to check up on them and encourage them. Not one person has called to check on me to see how I am coping with losing my Grandpa. NOT ONE!! Yes he was sick, but still... Last week I tried to talk to my best friend Carey, and when I finally got ahold of her all she wanted to talk about was her bad day at work. After ranting for about 15 minutes about this she finally said How was everything with the trip home, I started to tell her, and then she changed the subject. And then not even a week after I lost my Grandpa she has the nerve to call me and leave me a message about her dog dying, all crying and upset. IT"S a stupid dog, that lives outstide, and wasn't even really part of the family. It never got attention. It got food, and water, but that was about it. Don't call me crying about this when you can't be there to let me cry about my losing my Grandpa.
Example 4) The lady I work with. All she wants to do is talk about herself. And how awful her kids are. Again everytime I start trying to talk about my weekend, or my evening or what is going on in my life she has to change the subject back to herself. And I am sure some one is wonering isn't she over exaggerating? No I am really not. It may sound like it, but it really isn't the case. My friends and the lady I work have really been like this. It makes it really hard to love people when you are always there for them, but they can't seem to be there when you really need them. And I am not typically a needy person. I don't like to burden others with my problems. I like to deal with them on my own. I tend to work things out on my own, so I guess I just don't understand why one of the times I really need someone and NO ONE seems to be there.

So as you can see today I hate people!!

Unsure

I am sitting here on Sunday night watching the news. It has been a lonely weekend. Yes a lonely weekend. At first I was looking forward to the peace and quiet. My roommate and her dog are out of town for the weekend, and I didn't have anything to do. So I was looking forward to having the house to my self, and not having a yapping dog to listen to all weekend. But as the weekend went on, I started to think about things. I started to think about my last boyfriend, if I could even call him that. We dated for a couple of years, but we never really had a commitment. Or at least I should say he didn't have a commitment. He told everyone he could over and over again that he didn't want a girlfriend. He didn't have those feelings for me, he didn't think of me in that way. And yes sometimes he said it in front of me to these people, but when we weren't with them he would say other things. So I just figured it was him trying to talk big in front of his friends. And don't get me wrong he does have he good points. He isn't all in all a bad guy. I did love him when we first started dating. But thru everything that happened I stopped loving him. How do you keep loving someone who keeps hurting you over and over again. I don't understand how God can keep loving us, and forgiving us over and over again, when we keep hurting Him. I don't understand His love and grace. But at first I thought maybe God was trying to teach me how to love like He does, but after two years I couldn't do it anymore. Did I fail Him? I can't do it anymore. I realized this weekend I have never been loved. I have dated, don't get me wrong, but I haven't loved any of the guys, and they haven't loved me either. The words I love You never crossed any one's lips. I thought I loved Toby. No I did love Toby, but he never loved me. Shouldn't love be happiness, and wanting to spend time with someone, and wanting to have them be a part of your life? Shouldn't it be been happy to see them? At first it was that with Toby. We had so much fun at first, we would text, and make faces at each other, and there was passion, and fun. And then he flaked out. And I forgave him, and then it happened again, and I forgave him again. And some where along the way I stopped loving him, but I didn't realize it. He isn't the guy I dreamed of all my life. He isn't my prince charming. I want someone who loves me. Who is happier that I am in their lives. Someone who is proud to say I am their girlfriend. Someone who wants to talk to me ever day, just to hear my voice. If they don't see me for a day they miss me. Someone who likes me just the way I am. I don't want someone who wants me in their live when it's convient for them. or when they don't have anything else to do. Or when they want something. I feel like my time is running out. I am 31 years old, and I have no one. What is my purpose in this world. When I leave I will leave nothing behind for people to remember me by. No family line to carry on. I didn't want this. I want to have a family. I want kids. I want to be able to teach some one everything know (which isn't much, but still...) I want to teach someone how to love, and be kind. If I don't like my job I know how to change that. If I want a new car I can change that. If there is anything else I don't like I know how to change that. i don't know how to change not having a mate. I don't know how to make someone love me. I know I am a beautiful, and wonderful, and loving, kind, successful woman, but I can't make someone else see that. I can't make someone want that. I can't make someone else want me. I refuse to play the games all the other girls I know play. I refuse to be something I'm not. I refuse to be all oh I'm helpless, and can't live life on my own. I have done things on my own for 13 years (at least), and why can't guys except that. Why can't guys except a successful single girl who can make it own her own, but doesn't want to make it on her own. Just can I can do it doesn't mean I want to do it. I want someone who is there to share the successes, and the failures. The laughs and the tears. The memories good and bad. Why is that so hard to find? I want to be hopeful, and think that it is still out there, but the long I go the more I think it isn't. I don't think I will find it, and I'm not sure why I am meant to be alone. And if God means for me to be alone, why do I long for a husband so much. Why doesn't he take this longing away from me.

Losing Someone

Ok I know this might wound really stupid to some people, but I am 31 years old, and don't know what to do when you lose someone you love. Now I don't mean losing your boyfriend, or best friend, I mean losing someone that has been there your whole life, that you really don't but into terms of "one day I might lose them", or at least I don't. I have never lost a grandparent, parent, sibling, aunt, uncle, cousin, or close friend to death. And now my Grandpa Weinfurter is sick, and not doing well, and it seems weird to think he won't be around to see in a year or two. He fought cancer 18 months ago and one, and now it is back and in a different part of his body, and he is just giving up. I am going up to Wisconsin in a couple of weeks to see him before he passes away, but what do you say to someone that you have loved your whole, when they know they are at the end of their live. How do put all that love you feel for them, into words? It's so weird. I just have this silly notion that everyone in my family is going to live as long as I do. It's super cool if I die before them, but they better not die before me. I have been super blessed to have known 3 of my 4 Great Grandmothers (all of them lived into their mid 90's). 2 of them were around for quite a while in my life. And those were hard enough, now how do I say Good-bye I love you to my grandpa? He is 80 years old. If he wants to let go and not be in pain then that is fine by me, but I want him to know that he was loved very much, and that he will be greatly missed. I just don't know how to say that to him.

Stupid Boys can be taught new tricks!!

OK so my little rant the other day about Stupid boys, was not entirely correct. Like I said in the second one, it was more about other people and just directed at the wrong person! As it turns out some boys can be taught new tricks. I wasn't feel well yesterday. As some of you who have known me for the last 3 years I have had some healthy problems, and will have them off and on for the rest of my life. The crazy thing is I will be feeling great, and then one day I will just not, and then all of sudden I will be feeling great again. Well that is what has been kind of going on. I was feeling great, and for some reason yesterday I was not feeling great. So after work I just went home and was going to lay down, and not do anything after work. And the stupid boy called to see if I was ok. (We work together), and when I told him I was having a bad week, and I wasn't feeling well, he offered to make me dinner, whatever I wanted. I told him all I wanted was mashed potatoes and gravy. (MY comfort food), so he said if I came over to his house he would make that. It has never happened before! I am not exagerating here, when I say has never happened before I mean in 3 years it has NEVER happened before. So I guess Stupid boys can be taught new tricks.
And for anyone who is reading and doesn't know I don't really think he is stupid, I just think most boys (yes boys, I have not met one man yet, they all still act like kids, which is ok except when it comes to relationships) like to think with the wrong head, and only tend to think about themselves. Maybe I just haven't meet the right boys yet, but I do work with 20 of them every day, and as most of my peeps know I tend to hang out with boys a little more then girls. They are just more fun! And like to do the same things as me!
So that is all for right now. I am a little unsure if this makes sense or not, I woke up really early this morning, Ok well not really early, but really early for me. I woke up at 6:30. I usually am not out of bed until 7:45, but I had to work early this morning!! So I am just kind of typing not sure if any of this makes senes. I guess I will find out when I go back and read it later, when I am more awake!!

Stupid Boys Part 2

Ok in all fairness my rant earlier about Stupid boys wasn't fair. I am having a bad day, and I shouldn't take it out on my blog on any one else (even if they don't know that I am doing it)!! I am just having one of those weeks where I am tired of stuff always been about everyone else. Sometimes I just want to scream at people SHUT UP and listen to me once. I know you hear me talking but you never LISTEN to what I have to say!! Why does what you have to say mean more then what I have to say???? Part of it is just because of the type of person I am!! I have this thing built into me that wants to take care of people and be there for me!! It's what would make me a good mother if God every decided that I would make a good life, and help me find someone to marry instead of just retards to date!! (OK unfair comment they haven't all been retards, but they let me go so they must have been some what stupid RIGHT??) So anyways.... I am having a crappy week, and right now I just really really want someone to be there for me. Some one to make me important listen to what I have to say, not just hear me talking!! And it isn't just the guys in my life (and there are a lot of them ( because I work with a bout 15 of them every day, and they are my friends) I am not dating any of them (anymore)) It's kind of everyone. Even my family, and friends outside of work!! So that is my rant for the day. I am sure I will wake up tomorrow and my Lexapro will have kicked back in, and the world will be happy and sunny and tulipily again!! Oh don't you just love drugs!!

Stupid Boys

Ok let me just say that I am so so so tired of STUPID BOYS who can't make up their mind what the hell they want. Give me a break. Do you like me, don't you? Do you want a relationship, don't you!! I'm so done with it. It's summer, I'm young, beautiful, and successful. I don't need you, and if you don't want me then screw you!! You can't pick and choose when you want me to be a part of your life. Maybe there are times when I just need someone to hang out with. Why do you always expect me to be there for you, but you can't return the favor the few times I need someone to be there for me!! Don't expect me to be there the next time you want a friend!!